To Tinder or Not To Tinder

"Can I lick Nuttela off your body?" a blue bubble appeared. My initial thought: "I don't even like Nutella." This is how our love story began...

I'm kidding. But that really did happen upon my first and last trial of Tinder. Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that Tinder is a dating app. You login through Facebook and view the "available" men or women in your surrounding area. Swipe right if you find that person attractive or interesting. And swipe left if not. "Nope" appears across their face when you swipe left: classy!

Many times a bio is left empty, so it becomes a game of "do I find you attractive or not?" It's not shallow at all.

So I tried it out, naturally... but not in my own city initially. When I visited my sister who lives a few states away, I logged in. I wanted to see what it was about.

Several swipes, a few chats and many clever pick-up lines later, I discovered a few truths about men and Tinder:

• They love to fish and show off their big catch.
• All men skydive or climb big rocks.
• Guys, too, take duck selfies- ya know, not with a duck but the ones with the strange pucker face
• It's weird when you see a gym selfie 
• It's creepy when you see a guy lying in bed with his kitten
• 99% of them do Crossfit
• There are a lot of lonely military men

I logged in to my city when I arrived back from my trip. After a few swipes of "nope," seeing a guy I once dated, and seeing a few I know who are married or in relationships, I decided that the app would be deleted immediately. I don't have time to filter through cheesy pick-up lines or questions alluding to sex in order to discover someone who actually wants to get to know me.

I asked a guy friend of mine if he had ever tried it out. He said that he went on three dates. "One brought a backpack on the date in hopes of staying over at my place." He told her it wasn't going to happen. 

While he says, he's met several interesting people and has made new friends, I think I am going to stick to the traditional way of meeting people.

As far as Nutella being licked off my body, maybe he should have suggested a less messier option like whipped cream.

What do you think about Tinder? Do you think it's a good way to meet people? Is it just a hook up app?

Ban the Railroads

I never once claimed this blog would be the least bit profound. However, I hope in some tiny way you've been enlightened to a new understanding of douche bags and their sly tactics, Facebook and creepy stalkers or the need to ban parents and their potty trainers on social media. 

My newest pet peeve is bad photography, particularly ridiculous railroad photo ops. Why is it that every band or artist thinks it's "cool" to take a picture straddling railroad tracks? (Except for the exception of Johnny Cash seen below).

Now, he can straddle railroad tracks.

I'm not exactly sure when this fad occurred. But find a field... Let's bring back the field! Or maybe a brick wall? Oh, better yet, graffiti! That's it! 

I beg you... Please ban railroad photography- for the love of God! 

Have You Been Catfished?

The new film Catfish has become insanely popular in the past month. I have yet to see the film (but I'm recording it when it comes on Feb.1). I recently watched the television show on MTV, which is inspired by this movie. I was intrigued.

A catchy yet peculiar term, the word "catfish" I looked up. According to the ever-so reliable source, Urban Dictionary, it states, "A Catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances."

Now, I'm not about to go into detail of how I've gotten "catfished." Thank God, I'd have the sense to Skype to see if the person is real. No offense, but who spends months or years speaking to someone they've never seen or at least have sure proof this person exist? And God forbid, plan a life with a stranger. It's beyond me!

I have a hard enough time getting to know a real guy who is sitting right in front of me, much less some weirdo in another state or better yet, a con-artist in an internet cafe in Africa.

But I'll be honest. I think I've been catfished (just not via Facebook or some other site). I'm pretty sure I've been the victim of others creating a false identity. Thank God, I've never found out some man I was dating was married with five children.

I often find it extremely difficult to meet men and women alike who are transparent, honest people. Those who know me know that I am very honest and upfront. This is a blessing and a curse. I often ask people sincere questions... sometimes I get an answer but often times, the answers are vague and elusive like a child inquiring why Zebras have stripes. "Ain't nobody got time for that!" 

False identities can be created in many different ways. I've dated guys who claim to be religious because they know my spirituality means a great deal to me. I've met people who hide bad habits like smoking or drinking, to later find out it was an issue. I've also met others who claim to have the same values as I do in order to get a so called "good girl." Thankfully, I'm pretty intuitive. But only because I've been fooled before.

When it comes to cultivating relationships, honesty is the only way success can be achieved. Sometimes honesty hurts. Sometimes it means an end to a relationship. Sometimes it means taking a risk, and it scaring you senseless.

I'm 28. Thankfully, I still have time and am not remotely worried about meeting my match. I know it will happen. But as I continue with the exhausting dating process (post-divorce), I find myself weary with facades, lack of transparency and the ability in others to be honest.

I see it all the time, especially with men who will not be honest with their feelings or intentions. If you're a guy reading this, I'm sure you have experienced this with women.

I was thinking today, "Why is it that often times when I ask a straight forward question, I cannot get a straightforward response?" It dawned on me.

If a person cannot be honest with me, then he probably is not being honest with himself.

I wonder how many catfish are swimming around me?

Manicorn

Manicorn- (n.) elusive, legendary male creature in which the species known as women envision, idolize and dream of; symbol of perfection

The manicorn has wash-board abs but accepts us as we are; educated but not prudish; beautiful but not vain; a good guy yet a bad boy. He puts his woman's needs before his own - always listens, always patient. He desires a family including a dog and white picket fence. He wants to hang out with your mom and babysit your nephew and nieces. He knows what you need before you do and showers you with gifts of various kinds.He is never selfish, hates sports, waits on you hand and foot, cries when you cry, laughs when you laugh; and above all else, worships the very ground you walk on.

----------------

"Oh my, you can even filter height and salary!" I observed as my friend tweaked her search results on Match.com. "This is like 'build a bear' but better. It's 'build a man,'" I said as I briefly considered the dating scene online.

Why not? We shop for everything online - from clothes and computers to flower bouquets made of fruit.Why not shop for men? Ryan Gosling, here I come!

I've met them in church, at restaurants, been set up... why not online? I can search and tweak, then tweak and search. Sign me up!

If only it were that simple then everyone would be signed up, and I'd already have 2.5 children living in the suburbs. Unfortunately, the manicorn is elusive for a reason, the reason being he doesn't exist.

Why do we women hold such high standards for men yet not hold them for ourselves? I have come to realize the perfect man doesn't exist, neither does the perfect woman. Now does that mean I should settle for Joe Schmo off the street? No, but maybe I should be a little more forgiving.

People shouldn't be defined by salary or height or some other ridiculous standard. Don't get me wrong; I don't want to be a sugar momma, neither do I want a troll of a boyfriend. But just because he doesn't make a seven figure salary doesn't mean he won't be a good provider.

Get out your list. Come on; you have one. Whether tucked away in your diary or tucked away secretly in your mind, you have one. And too many times we dismiss others if they don't fit it perfectly.

I know you're wanting me to stop before I tell you Noah on the Notebook doesn't exit. I can see you now, alone in your room as the rain rolls down your window pane while listening to Taylor Swift. Stop your crying.

The next time you dismiss Mr. Not So Perfect, look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're so perfect.

Don't Crap On My Newsfeed

There are many conundrums in life such as the existence of God, understanding the opposite sex or did we really walk on the moon?

But the biggest mind puzzle of all is why others put pictures of their children using the pot or a description of their bowel movement on Facebook! Nothing turns my stomach more than scrolling through the newsfeed to read how many times your child went #2 in a day. And God forbid, you give more detail than that.

I am not making this up. This is a real quote from a real mother:

 "Big girl learning all about her big girl potty! And she pee peed in it!"

I want to say to all you stay-at-home moms: I'm glad you're able to be home with your children. But be productive and clean the kitchen or cook dinner while your husband is bringing home the bacon.

My child is my dog. Do you really want a live feed of his daily dumps? 

Need Not Apply...

Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign on my forehead which reads: Need Not Apply. I am often baffled at the men with the most courage who have asked me out on dates.

This is what I'd like to say to a few of you brave souls: 

• If your brain is fried from years of drugs and your pastime is smoking a doobie, need not apply. I need all the brain cells I can preserve. 
• If you think that just because you paid for my $10 salad you deserve a "reward," walk away...need not apply. I don't need your STD.
• If you have more drama than the "Real Housewives of Atlanta," step away and need not apply. 
• If you think it's cool to be on spring break every weekend, need not apply. It's not 1999 anymore- grow up.
• If you have a crazy, creepy ex-girlfriend, need not apply. 
• If you sport a Donald Trump hairdo, old enough to be my dad, and have braces on your teeth, need not apply. Don't even pick up an application. You're wasting my time and yours.
• If you're my student,  please don't apply. I'm not impressed with your driver's license or part time job. And I'd rather not appear as a special on Dateline. 

For those who do not fall in these categories, all applications will be reviewed carefully. There will be few call backs. Good luck, and please use correct grammar.

A Good Man Is Hard to Find

These shirts are not cool... period.

While eating mixed nuts and enjoying a movie by myself the other night (yes, I relish my alone time), I had an epiphany:

Finding a good man is like searching for the cashews in mixed nuts; there are only a few, and they’re always the first ones to go.

(And I’m not exaggerating when I say I only found about five in the whole can. Imagine the let-down.)

Now, I do know there are good men still out there. So please don’t misunderstand and take me as a complete cynic. And I’m quite the opposite of a man-hating feminist as well.

But, a girlfriend of mine described the dating scene for us late-twenty-somethings quite accurately: “There’s rarely a 'normal' or happy medium,” she said.  She went on to introduce me to the two extremes we often encounter. And granted, many have been set ups by close friends. Note to self, and to all you single people: More often than not, set ups equal upsets.

Now back to the two extremes:

Meet Mr. Douche. My picture of the typical douche looks something like this: He is usually wearing a tight fitted tee, maybe by the ever-so-classy Ed Hardy along with Buckle jeans. If his back pockets are embellished, you know he’s the real deal. He’s the guy who thinks he looks good and spends more time in the mirror than any of his girl friends.

Don’t get me wrong; they come in all sizes, shapes, styles and personalities. But what they all have in common is their lack of commitment to anything substantive in their lives.

This is the guy with all the right lines to say, the best excuses to give and compliments that melt your heart. He knows how a woman works. He has studied her.

He’s the guy that plays ever so sly, the cat and mouse game. If you’re a guy reading this, you may start to feel a tinge of guilt… and girls, you may realize you’re being played. It’s a fact of life.

Don’t be fooled by the first date. He knows how to wine and dine, at least for the first couple of dates. You enjoy each other’s company, start to hang out consistently, but realize girls: this boat ain’t movin. He doesn’t like to talk seriously about relationships or commitment, and he will almost always refer to the status of your relationship as “hanging out.”

If you’ve given into sex at this point, you’ve already lost the game, ladies. He’s now he's eating his cake and having it, too. You’re the perfect amenity to his life. Because there is no commitment, and you only get together a time or two a week, he has the benefits of a girlfriend without the nagging and obligations. He doesn’t have to worry about going to your great aunt’s birthday or helping you babysit your niece and nephew. He doesn’t have to consider your role in a significant way in his life at all

Oh… and he’s probably talking to other girls on the side. What else do you think he’s doing the other five nights a week?

Don’t be fooled by his excuses or his "fear" of commitment or emotional intimacy. Whatever his deal is, he doesn’t want commitment with YOU. Yes, I said it. It may have hurt. But know that you’re worth more than that. Walk away while you can.

If you ask for more, he’ll just give you another excuse and try to keep you on the line.



Meet Mr. Creepy Clinger. “Baby, do you miss me?” This is not a sweet question from a long-term boyfriend away for the weekend, but rather a text message query sent two days after a first date that one of my friends went on. Would you be surprised if I told you it was also a set up?

(To all you wannabe match makers, ask yourself one question: Would you date him? If the answer is no, then we probably don’t want to either.)

Her response to me: “No! I didn’t miss him. I’ve been thinking about work all day.”

The Creepy Clinger tends to be the guy that attaches to you like your friend’s annoying cat's hair on your favorite black dress. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to get it off!

“He’s cute enough to keep around and maybe he’s just nervous,” you keep telling yourself after the 10th text in a row.

This is the guy who would iron all your clothes, including your underwear, if you asked. He’s the guy who thinks you’ve hung the moon…hell, maybe even the sun. “Baby, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world,” he said after the first creepy text to her. Although flattering, it’s way too soon to talk like that, guys (if ever; really, you can't come up with something better?).

These guys seem great at first. The attention is flattering. You feel appreciated. But this is also the guy that wants love so bad that he’s more in love with the thought of the relationship than with you. You start realize there’s a screw loose after the second week.

Recently, I had two different girl friends express their dating mishaps, both of which involved Mr. Creepy Clinger (two different clingers, to be precise).

“He’s called five times since I’ve been here, “ one said while we were eating dinner.

“But he’s cute, and nice. And I know he’d always treat me nice. Maybe I should just keep him around, just in case no one else comes along,” she contemplates. Unfortunately, this a thought we gals have in those desperate moments when we fear we'll always be stuck in a sinking boat with Mr. Douche, bailing away and trying not to sink too soon.

But is the clinger okay to keep around? No. He’s only going to get more attached. And how would you feel being a backup girl? Do him a favor and cut the ties while they’re still short. I know you want your bedroom repainted but just hire someone to do it.

Can we escape these two extremes? Probably not. Can we change these guys? No, we cannot. But once you see the red flags, stop rationalizing and get the hell out.

And to the guys: As one of my friends says way too often, “Lock it up!” Get your [crap] together. Seek help. Talk to a friend. Go to therapy. Get over your fear of committing to anything more long-term than a jumbo-sized pack of toilet paper. Then date.

For the sake of all single women out there, “Lock it up!” and try to find a happy medium. We'll both be better for it in the end.