Need Not Apply...

Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign on my forehead which reads: Need Not Apply. I am often baffled at the men with the most courage who have asked me out on dates.

This is what I'd like to say to a few of you brave souls: 

• If your brain is fried from years of drugs and your pastime is smoking a doobie, need not apply. I need all the brain cells I can preserve. 
• If you think that just because you paid for my $10 salad you deserve a "reward," walk away...need not apply. I don't need your STD.
• If you have more drama than the "Real Housewives of Atlanta," step away and need not apply. 
• If you think it's cool to be on spring break every weekend, need not apply. It's not 1999 anymore- grow up.
• If you have a crazy, creepy ex-girlfriend, need not apply. 
• If you sport a Donald Trump hairdo, old enough to be my dad, and have braces on your teeth, need not apply. Don't even pick up an application. You're wasting my time and yours.
• If you're my student,  please don't apply. I'm not impressed with your driver's license or part time job. And I'd rather not appear as a special on Dateline. 

For those who do not fall in these categories, all applications will be reviewed carefully. There will be few call backs. Good luck, and please use correct grammar.