A Good Man Is Hard to Find

These shirts are not cool... period.

While eating mixed nuts and enjoying a movie by myself the other night (yes, I relish my alone time), I had an epiphany:

Finding a good man is like searching for the cashews in mixed nuts; there are only a few, and they’re always the first ones to go.

(And I’m not exaggerating when I say I only found about five in the whole can. Imagine the let-down.)

Now, I do know there are good men still out there. So please don’t misunderstand and take me as a complete cynic. And I’m quite the opposite of a man-hating feminist as well.

But, a girlfriend of mine described the dating scene for us late-twenty-somethings quite accurately: “There’s rarely a 'normal' or happy medium,” she said.  She went on to introduce me to the two extremes we often encounter. And granted, many have been set ups by close friends. Note to self, and to all you single people: More often than not, set ups equal upsets.

Now back to the two extremes:

Meet Mr. Douche. My picture of the typical douche looks something like this: He is usually wearing a tight fitted tee, maybe by the ever-so-classy Ed Hardy along with Buckle jeans. If his back pockets are embellished, you know he’s the real deal. He’s the guy who thinks he looks good and spends more time in the mirror than any of his girl friends.

Don’t get me wrong; they come in all sizes, shapes, styles and personalities. But what they all have in common is their lack of commitment to anything substantive in their lives.

This is the guy with all the right lines to say, the best excuses to give and compliments that melt your heart. He knows how a woman works. He has studied her.

He’s the guy that plays ever so sly, the cat and mouse game. If you’re a guy reading this, you may start to feel a tinge of guilt… and girls, you may realize you’re being played. It’s a fact of life.

Don’t be fooled by the first date. He knows how to wine and dine, at least for the first couple of dates. You enjoy each other’s company, start to hang out consistently, but realize girls: this boat ain’t movin. He doesn’t like to talk seriously about relationships or commitment, and he will almost always refer to the status of your relationship as “hanging out.”

If you’ve given into sex at this point, you’ve already lost the game, ladies. He’s now he's eating his cake and having it, too. You’re the perfect amenity to his life. Because there is no commitment, and you only get together a time or two a week, he has the benefits of a girlfriend without the nagging and obligations. He doesn’t have to worry about going to your great aunt’s birthday or helping you babysit your niece and nephew. He doesn’t have to consider your role in a significant way in his life at all

Oh… and he’s probably talking to other girls on the side. What else do you think he’s doing the other five nights a week?

Don’t be fooled by his excuses or his "fear" of commitment or emotional intimacy. Whatever his deal is, he doesn’t want commitment with YOU. Yes, I said it. It may have hurt. But know that you’re worth more than that. Walk away while you can.

If you ask for more, he’ll just give you another excuse and try to keep you on the line.



Meet Mr. Creepy Clinger. “Baby, do you miss me?” This is not a sweet question from a long-term boyfriend away for the weekend, but rather a text message query sent two days after a first date that one of my friends went on. Would you be surprised if I told you it was also a set up?

(To all you wannabe match makers, ask yourself one question: Would you date him? If the answer is no, then we probably don’t want to either.)

Her response to me: “No! I didn’t miss him. I’ve been thinking about work all day.”

The Creepy Clinger tends to be the guy that attaches to you like your friend’s annoying cat's hair on your favorite black dress. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to get it off!

“He’s cute enough to keep around and maybe he’s just nervous,” you keep telling yourself after the 10th text in a row.

This is the guy who would iron all your clothes, including your underwear, if you asked. He’s the guy who thinks you’ve hung the moon…hell, maybe even the sun. “Baby, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world,” he said after the first creepy text to her. Although flattering, it’s way too soon to talk like that, guys (if ever; really, you can't come up with something better?).

These guys seem great at first. The attention is flattering. You feel appreciated. But this is also the guy that wants love so bad that he’s more in love with the thought of the relationship than with you. You start realize there’s a screw loose after the second week.

Recently, I had two different girl friends express their dating mishaps, both of which involved Mr. Creepy Clinger (two different clingers, to be precise).

“He’s called five times since I’ve been here, “ one said while we were eating dinner.

“But he’s cute, and nice. And I know he’d always treat me nice. Maybe I should just keep him around, just in case no one else comes along,” she contemplates. Unfortunately, this a thought we gals have in those desperate moments when we fear we'll always be stuck in a sinking boat with Mr. Douche, bailing away and trying not to sink too soon.

But is the clinger okay to keep around? No. He’s only going to get more attached. And how would you feel being a backup girl? Do him a favor and cut the ties while they’re still short. I know you want your bedroom repainted but just hire someone to do it.

Can we escape these two extremes? Probably not. Can we change these guys? No, we cannot. But once you see the red flags, stop rationalizing and get the hell out.

And to the guys: As one of my friends says way too often, “Lock it up!” Get your [crap] together. Seek help. Talk to a friend. Go to therapy. Get over your fear of committing to anything more long-term than a jumbo-sized pack of toilet paper. Then date.

For the sake of all single women out there, “Lock it up!” and try to find a happy medium. We'll both be better for it in the end.